We’re Number 19! We’re Number 19!

Forgive me a Humble-Brag but I recently finished 19^th out of about 5500 funny people in a joke-writing contest on Comedywire.com. The two month long, daily-submission contest earned me a sparkling $50 in prize money. I plan to spend it on home gourmet yoghurt, yak futures and new pin-striping for the Buick.

Here are a sprinkling of jokes I’ve written, one or two of which may even be funny.

(Comedywire Topic/setup in Bold Type)

Staff at French McDonald's fired for selling drugs via drive-thru

In related news, forensic exams showed the drugs had more nutritional value than the Happy Meals they served.  

China, Taiwan Leaders Meet For First Time In 66 Years

They had a few laughs, caught up on recent events and decide to annex Japan

Man 'with horse's neck' shows why you shouldn't drink a lot 

As a general rule you're more likely to run into horses asses who drink too much

  

Top 10 Reasons for Cancelled Concerts

Termites got to all of Zamfir's Pan Flutes

Top 10 Unneeded Confessions by Ben Carson

I could never remember if it's 'Measure twice, cut once' or the other way around. (6)

Decision to award 2018 World Cup to Russia was "fixed"

Corruption in Russia? I'll alert the media.

Some fish can count higher than others

And any parent who's ever bought his kid a couple of guppies knows, all fish can multiply

Woman escapes jail after stealing another inmate's identity

Doesn't she know she can get in trouble for that?

Drunken driver falls asleep waiting to pay at Midtown Tunnel

First two things he said when awakened were "I am not drunk Officer" and "Where the hell is my Big Mac and Fries?"

Top 10 Practical Jokes to Play on Aging Parents

It's always fun to slip stool softener into their afternoon tea, but as I learned, first make sure the Will is locked down .

Runaway blimp crash-lands after wild chase by F-16s

The Military would like to offer a great big shout out for his advisory role in deflating the blimp--to Mr. Tom Brady.

How is Donald Trump coping with his polling slump

With his usual grace, understatement and class.

Make Up a New Religion and Who Would Be the Leader

Sciencealism. I'd pick a movie star to head it and have it based on aliens sent here to blow up our volcanos, and--get this--you gotta pay to pray!

Longtime bestialist caught trying to trade sex with his dog for intercourse with miniature horses

Iike to go to a party with this guy, just to introduce him. "Jim here is a standup comedian. I'd like to introduce you to Allen, who is a longtime beastialist.

Top 10 New Dog Breeds That Would Be In A Comedy Dog Show

Big Ass Schnauzer. Comedy Gold. "Hey lady, wanna see my Big Ass Schnauzer?"  The show practically writes itself.

Lincoln Chafee drops out of Presidential race.

A mighty Oak Tree has fallen in the forest. This has nothing to do with Chaffee dropping out, just wanted to mention it.

Cans of 'Boiled Parrot' ruffle feathers in San Francisco

Tastes a little bit like chicken.

Texans discover 'Texas' means 'crazy' in Norway

Texas means crazy everywhere, including Texas

Lumber Liquidators pleads guilty to timber trafficking, agrees to Pay $13 Million

The hardest part was getting the Mules to swallow a 2"x 4"

The Perils of 'Grooming' Yourself for a New Lover

To avoid these worries I've accumulated the second largest collection of Merkins this side of the Atlantic.

Free Range Thoughts of Chairman Cork

Not many people know this—and fewer care—but I have a number of free-range brain cells assigned to monitor my random thoughts, speculations and bemusements and occasionally write them down to pass along to others.

Here are the latest.

*I doubt God ever has negative emotions, but if He did, I'm pretty sure He must gaze down on Earth every so often with a Divine case of Buyer's Remorse.

*This is absolutely true. There was an article recently that said some people may be “sexually aroused” by the act of passing wind. Apparently this farting club is exclusive and secretive, with bylaws, ID Cards, and a secret handshake that involves a lot of finger pulling.

*If Joe Biden decides to run for President, I’ve got his campaign slogan: “Laugh if you will but have you seen the idiots I’d be running against?"

*Is there a foolproof way to check for spelling errors before posting on the Internet but without the aggravation of Autocorrect? I'm asking for a fiend.

*I try very hard to be tolerant in all matters, yet every day, there is Lactose, sitting in the corner, taunting me.

*I overheard my dog on the phone today. Apparently, he's in the market for a new human.

*As part of a new policy to help raise the intelligence and computer savvy of their customers, the Apple Store recently asked me to please shop somewhere else.

*There are few things more satisfying than writing a good joke and getting a positive response from one's peers. Just like sex, if memory serves.

*My car is at that awkward stage between being an old klunker and an antique classic. So am I. The difference is a lube and filter rarely does me much good.

*Friday is the day you sit around looking forward to Monday, the day you sit around lamenting your most recent lousy weekend.

*I have an invisible friend. I haven't heard from him in, oh, maybe 35 years, so it's possible he quit.

*A new study says cats are not dependent on humans. I can't wait to tell Precious Whiskerface she now has to go out and purchase her own balls of twine.

*I got a bad case of the blues yesterday. I had a deal set to trade them for a case of yellows and reds, but found out Blue is a primary color and can't be traded.

*I once asked my priest what it was like to never have sex. He said, based on your confessions, it's like the first 30 years of your life.

*I just realized that if Abraham Lincoln hadn't been assassinated, he'd probably be dead by now anyway.

*If you are a football fan, be sure to tune in early to all Patriots games for the ceremonial inflation check of Tom Brady's Balls

*The best thing about getting up early is you can get a head start on the day's drinking.

*When that guy was writing "Little Drummer Boy" and he came up with "arum-pa-bump-bum" did he stop and think, oh hell THAT will make it a hit?

*I may be a little fuzzy today; the voices in my head were out late drinking last night

*I'm no studio executive, but I'd pay good money to see a remake of The Sound of Music with Pigmies.

###

Donald Trump: The Hair Apparent?

I think I've figured out the appeal of The Donald.

Trump appeals to the inner jerk in all of us. The guy is a successful asshole. Many people get the asshole part right but can't figure out the "successful" part. I think these people are among his biggest supporters.

Trump's genius skill set is playing the Media like it's his personal Stradivarius.  When it comes to sussing out how it's being played, the Media does so with all the skill of Charlie Brown running up to the football Lucy is holding. And, to be honest, they serve each other's needs quite nicely. The result: The perfect trade. Good ratings straight up for Self-Adoration. No draft picks involved. The legion of Media haters love this.

Most of us let our weaknesses harm us. Not the Donald. He's a guy who knows he appeals to bald guys and the combover brigade by flaunting his ridiculous hair. And surprise surprise surprise--lots of people don't like our friends from South of the border.

But alas there is no there, there, when it comes to Donald the public servant. He's all hat and no saddle. Or all horse and no stirrups. All wind and no Tumbleweed? Whatever, I think he's bright enough to know how stupid it would be to elect him President of these United States.

So I think he's in it not to win it, but to pump up the Trump Brand.  I'm no shrink and it's always hard to evaluate Megalomania, of course, so that part's a little less clear.  I may have misunderestimated his Ego, to borrow a word from a former President.

Also, Trump may be starting to believe his own crap. Wouldn't be the first time it happened in politics.

Call me a cockeyed optimist--and I've been called worse--but I'd like to think after a while Trump will semi-intentionally self-destruct and leave the GOP to select among the remainder of its band of venal idiots.

Fox "News" Channel Sez Pope Most Dangerous Man on Earth

Really?  I knew those charlatans, idiots, and self-centered buffoons at Fox were beyond shame, but didn't know they were beyond the pale.

Why would the Catholic Church's spiritual leader be considered "the most dangerous man on Earth?" More so even than Vladimir Putin, or whoever is running ISIS these days, or the little fat man with the square hair in Korea, or heads of cartels, terrorist cells, or the Taliban. 

Pope Francis is compassionate, he's kind, he's inclusive of mankind beyond the one percent Fox "News" caters to. But that hardly seems enough to insure The Wrath of Fox. Must have been something the Pope wrote. Or said.

I Googled the story because it didn't seem possible, but by golly, it pretty much is. 

Someone named Greg Gutfeld, who hosts a show on Fox "News," said it. I've never watched one of Mr. Gutfeld's offerings, but as near as I can tell from publicity photos his major claim to fame is he's one of the few hosts at Fox who is not blond.

It did not say if he was an abused Altar boy, which might explain his enmity toward the Catholic Church or--and I believe this is important--what qualifies him to judge relative danger of world figures.

Then I think I figured it out. It must be that Global Climate Change thing. Yup. The Pope's agin it. I guess this man, who doesn't have vested financial interest in saving the planet, threatens those who insist its destruction is justifiable to make their lives better. Big Oil, Big Transportation and Big Finance see this little man in the big hat as a threat.

By trying to keep our grandchildren alive--including mine--Pope Francis has been turned into a hate object by an irresponsible man representing himself as a journalist, or even more outrageously, as a human being.

Okay, this "PointCounterPoint" poster may suffer from hyperbole itself. Fox "News" didn't exactly announce that they'd selected His Holiness as Baddy of the Year. But the silence that has followed Gutfeld's comment is telling. 

No one at Fox "News" Channel appears upset or disturbed by this. As near as I can tell, no Fox "News" official or Talent has objected. (Talent is a generic term for on-air people, not an evaluation of the on-air person's actual skill set.") 

I know a lot of people will dismiss this as just Fox being Fox, much as many felt it was just Hitler being Hitler back in the day. 

How often will Fox "News" have to expose it's greed-driven, unAmerican, unconscionable incivility before Americans get a clue what they are up to?

I won't say Fox is pure evil if only because there is nothing pure about it.

Why I (Still) Write

I once wrote for money. I wrote for the high. I wrote for ego, for a shot at the great big wheel of fame. I wrote because that meant I got to tell the lawyers and salesmen of my acquaintance that I was a writer. I wrote because people who are smarter than me told me I was pretty good at it. I wrote to get out of real work. (Since rewriting is real work, sometimes I wrote to get out of rewriting.) 

Editor, smiling

I wrote for an editor’s smile. I wrote because people would say “I read what you wrote.” I wrote because sometimes people would say “I wish I was a writer.” I wrote because words matter. Because they’re there, and their spelling and correct usage was important. 

I wrote because it got my unpretty face on television. I wrote for television because I got more money for fewer words, my handsome children got educated, and my beautiful wife and family had shelter and food provided by a husband who wrote. 

I wrote when my hand got farther from the outrider horses of the merry-go-round and I could no longer reach the brass ring dispenser. I wrote when I felt my limitations were permanent, my future finite, my most dream-worthy goals unreachable. I wrote when I felt the slippage. I wrote as a pitcher might continue to pitch when a late-in-life sinker arrived in time to replace his heat. (For me, that was Google, the answer to a lazy-researcher’s prayer.) 

And now I still write when there is no money to be made, there is no need to write, there is that big number next to my name that declares to the world that I need toil no more. I write now that the easy chair is an entitlement, the pressure is off, the race is mostly run, the readers moved on, the fresh streams of talent in place. 

I write now because…because…because…because ... dammit... I still love to write.

(This was originally written for the blog, http://jacklimpert.com.  Jack, 40 years editor of  The Washingtonian Magazine--that's him above, smiling--gave me my first big break as a writer and deserves much of the credit for my success. He was kind enough to add these words.) 

"John Corcoran got published by the Washingtonian because he could write funny—about one in 100 writers, sometimes it seemed like one in 1,000, could consistently write funny. He then got paid well by television stations in Washington, Boston, and Los Angeles because they also thought he had that gift. I think he wrote because he loved to make people smile."

An Open Letter to Mike Huckabee

Dear Mr. Huckabee:

Recently on Fox “News” (of all places) you said: “It sounds crass, but frankly the best way to stop a bad person with a gun is to have a good person with a weapon that is equal or superior to the one that he’s using.”

I know you’ve received criticism from so-called Liberals for this comment made so soon after the recent tragedy in South Carolina. Well, this is one “Liberal” who is not ashamed to congratulate you for stating the obvious: Superior firepower is critical during a gunfight.  I would think this especially so in a House of Worship, where heavy wooden pews and alcoves can provide cover for assailants.

This criticism is just a knee-jerk reaction by people without visualizing an outcome in a real-world scenario. Please allow me to provide a scenario of what might have happened had the Congregation at that small black church been armed to the teeth.

The action starts when the bad guy enters, weapon drawn.  Joe Bob Stutlerwell looks up from the Field and Stream hidden inside his hymnal, draws his Glock and starts firing away at the intruder. His seventh shot wings the culprit. The first nailed a retired nun, the second caught the Bippler infant right in the Dr. Denton’s.  Shots number three through five finished off the Gambelli Triplets and bullet number seven got the attention of Rufus Bodling-Klumpf, who had his favorite Uzi under his duster.

In a blistering display of questionable marksmanship, Rufus then wiped out most of the Children's Choir before the first note of "Bringing in the Sheaves." No self-respecting minister can stand by for that, so the Very Reverend "Dead-Eye" Mickleswurth raced to his 20 MM gun tower (pulpit right, underneath the cross), swung those twin bad boys around and let loose a fusillade of deadly fire into the Congregation.

By the time all was toted up, the toll was 53 dead and 17 wounded, including Dylann Roof, who spent the rest of the gunfight hunkered safely under a pew and who is expected to make a full recovery.

So Huzzah! Mike Huckabee, for your clear-headed thinking that isn't at all beholden to your desire tor NRA campaign support. I suspect it is more likely due to a hitherto undiscovered recessive Gene in your unforked family tree.

Sincerely,

John Corcoran Jr.

All I want for Christmas is No More Stuff

I don’t want any Stuff for Christmas.

Three reasons:

(1) I have enough stuff already.

(2) Beneath my gruff exterior of cynicism, sarcasm and asshattery are more layers of cynicism, sarcasm and asshattery. But beneath those layers beats the heart of a sentimental softie.

(3) I owe a favor to someone who returned a beloved pet when I was a kid. (Details below)

So, please don’t send me any Stuff for Christmas. Or Chanukah or Kwanza or Festivus, or just because you like the cut of my jib.

I am not anti-Capitalist.  I’m not saying, “don’t spend money.” I respect people who make and sell Stuff. But I want my loved ones to use my Stuff money for a better purpose.

I’m not being a martyr here—I have accumulated more Stuff than I’ll ever need. I have an overflow of Stuff. Some of my Stuff is sentimental treasure. But I haven’t seen the sentimental treasure since the cows came home because it’s buried underneath the other Stuff.  (Please don’t give me any cows, either.)

My Stuff isn’t spread all over the house and I’m not a hoarder like the ones you see on TV. To borrow from the late George Carlin’s brilliant comedy routine, I have ”a place for my Stuff.”

Most people put Stuff in the basement/cellar where it grows mildew and must be tossed.  I live in Southern California. Southern Californians don’t do mildew. It was traded long ago for several Kardashians and a future draft pick.

Southern California also doesn’t have basements.  So Southern Californians put their Stuff in the garage and park their cars in the driveway.

Without mildew to cull the herd, Southern Californian Stuff never gets tossed. When Stuff overflows, you are forced to get a house with a bigger garage.

Grandkids Exempt

My wife and I will continue to buy Stuff for loved ones, of course—the Grandkids particularly. Just none for me, thanks. 

This brings us to Reason (3), the favor I owe to the guy who got my dog back to me. He’s been dead for a long time but he’s still a saint. Make that a Saint—name’s Jude.

When I was a kid I was told St. Jude’s specialty was “Lost Causes.”  When I was twelve, the dog I loved was lost for days. I prayed for his help and just like that, St. Jude did his magic thing and my dog came home.

Now “St. Jude” is better known as the name of a great hospital. Whether you or I believe in St Jude the Saint is irrelevant here, because we’re talking about “St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital .” There they treat, ease the pain of, and nurture children suffering from the ravages of Cancer and other life-threatening diseases. Families are never billed for anything. To do that, St. Jude’s needs money. Lots and lots of money.  They need money a lot more than I need Stuff. 

Anyone can contribute, of course, with or without giving up your Stuff.  May I suggest you go to: www.st.jude.org  to find out how, or just send a check to “St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, PO Box 50 Memphis, TN 38101-9929”